Check out the following Valentine joke ideas and make sure to have a wonderful and lovable Valentine’s Day!
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: hug and a quiche!
Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re purrrrr-fect for me!
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: “I find you very attractive.”
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweethearts!
Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you beary much!
Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day?
A: I’m nuts about you!
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!
Q: What did the boy centipede say to the girl centipede?
A: You have a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs…
Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
Q: What did the painter say to his girlfriend?
A: I love you with all of my art!
Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: “You mean a great dill to me.”
Q: Is it better to write a love note on an empty stomach or on a full stomach?
A: It’s better to write it on paper!
Q: What did one light bulb say to the other?
A: “I love you a whole watt!”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: “I’m sweet on you!”
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one!
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: “I dot my i’s on you!”
Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valentiny!
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Osama Bin Laden’s Valentine
A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “As Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?”
The father thinks for a moment and then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” the boy says.
“Why Osama,” his father asks in disbelief.
“Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d jump with joy. And then he’d go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
Father’s heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.
“David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him.”
Q: Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
A: It was a case of guppy love!
Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
Q: What did the boy drum say to the girl drum on Valentine’s Day?
A: My heart beats for you!
Q: Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?
A: She didn’t suit his taste!
Q: What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
A: I’ve got a crutch on you!
Q: What do you call it, when everybody goes to the post office at the same time?
A: A stamp-ede!
Q: What do squirrels give each other for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-Me-Nuts!
Q: What did the boy whale say to the girl whale on Valentine’s Day?
A: Whale you be mine?
Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
A: “Be my valenstein!”
Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hog and kisses!
Q: What did the pork chop say to the steak on Valentine’s Day?
A: It’s nice to ‘meat you!’
Q: Why did the boy jump up and down on his valentine card?
A: He was told to stamp letters!
Q: What is a ram’s favorite song?
A: “I only have eyes for Ewe Dear”
Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: “I love you a ton!”
Q: What do you call a Valentine’s Day cartoon?
A: A Valen-toon!
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.
Q: What did the little girl sheep say to the little boy sheep on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re not so baaaaaa-d yourself!!
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done.
Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
A: Because it was Valen-swine’s Day!
Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s all heart!
Psychology Student
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering
Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple!
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day?
A: Cauliflowers
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”
Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day?
A: Owl be yours!
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Dream
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
Q: Where does Valentine’s Day come after Easter?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: What did the girl bee say to the boy bee on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love bee-ing with you!
Q: What two words have a thousand letters in them?
A: Post Office!
Ex-Valentine’s Day
A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentine’s cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. They’re called bullets.”
Q: What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit on Valentine’s Day?
A: Somebunny likes you
Q: What did the vampire call his sweetheart?
A: His ghoul-friend!
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
A: I’m stuck on you!
Q: What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
A: He gives it a Valenshine!
Valentine Chocolates
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, “If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?”
“Oh, yes,” he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. “Now I can eat them all.”
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