Lyrics to Funny Christmas Carols

Here are some funny Christmas carols. Just print out this page and get everyone into the Christmas caroling spirit!

Daddy’s Home And I Think He’s Drunk

(To The Tune Of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

Oh you better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m tellin’ you why;

Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk.

He’s walkin’ real slow,
He slurs when he speaks,
I don’t even think
He’s shaved in two weeks,

Daddy’s home and boy is he drunk.

He spent most of our money
On Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest
And lost it at the track.

Sooo…. You better not pout,
You better not cry,
I don’t like that look in his eye,
Daddy’s home and I think he’s…
Daddy’s home and boy is he…

Daddy’s home and he’s really drunk!

I Saw Elvis Dressed As Santa Claus

(To The Tune “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”)
by The Fibs

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
In my home town shopping mall last night.
I knew it must be him
Santa is a very slim.
And his sideburns where much darker
Than the whiskers on his chin.

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
When he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Spoken:
Yessiree, I saw Elvis sitting on Santa’s throne.
Really I did, and I’m gonna call the Enquirer,
Because after all,
Suspicious minds wanna know.
He had blue suede boots and bells,
You should have seen it for yourselves.

Sung:
And did you ever wonder why it is
They call his helpers Elves?

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Oh you can imagine my surprise,
When I saw through his disguise.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Well, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
In my home town shopping mall last night.
He was sitting in Santa’s chair;
little sister pulling on his hair.
And I heard him say, “Now don’t be cruel,
You’ll get a teddy bear.”

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding underneath that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
When he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Well it makes me wanna sing
Blue Christmas like the King.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.
Elvis here, Elvis there, Elvis everywhere!

I heard him say, “Now don’t be cruel,
You’ll get a teddy bear.”

I’ll be Cloned for Christmas

(To The Tune “I’ll be Home for Christmas”)
by D M Goldstein

I’ll be Cloned for Christmas,
There’ll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
And One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I’m certain,
I won’t be alone;
I’ll be home for Christmas,
Or else I’ll send a Clone!

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along

(To The Tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go —
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”

With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday, they drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web

I’m happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ily, ad-dict-ed to the Web!!!

Twelve Days Of Fast Food

(To The Tune “Twelve days of Christmas”)

On the first day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She’d been drinkin’ too much egg nog,
And we’d begged her not to go.
But she’d left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin’,
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He’s been takin’ this so well.
See him in there watchin’ football,
Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with cousin Belle.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family’s dressed in black.

And we just can’t help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma’swig.
I’ve warned all my friends and neighbours.
Better watch out for yourselves.”
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

(Written by Randy Brooks)

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

Every body stops
and stares at me
These two teeth are
gone as you can see
I don’t know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth!

Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
“Merry Christmas.”
It seems so long since I could say,
“Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!”
Gosh oh gee, how happy I’d be,
if I could only whistle (thhhh, thhhh)

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth.

Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
“Merry Christmas!”

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
I don’t want a doll, no dinkey tinker toys
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy,

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don’t think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won’t have to use a dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door
That’s the easy thing to do.

I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs
Oh what a joy, Oh what a BIG surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinosaurus
I only likes hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me, too

(Short Music Interlude)

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian
There’s lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massager

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs
Oh what a joy and what a BIG surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Rusty Chevrolet

(To The Tune “Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings. I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!

Chorus
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

I went to IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire and it’s gettin’ hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.
I have to drag my swampers just to get the car to stop.

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what’s the joke!
I have to get to Wal-Mart to pick up my layaway,
Cause Santa’s comin’ soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!

The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen

(To the Tune “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

The restroom door said Gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I’d been taken for a ride
I heard high voices turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And snapped me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn’t be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn’t turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I’ve got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can’t sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh, boy
No, I’ll never sit with comfort and joy.